Death Streamer, Vampire Eats His Subscribers

Yes!  We have a Charles Band film today. The genius produced and directed this Full Moon Features effort. So given this is a Full Moon film, are we likely to see female nudity in the gratuitous sense? Yep!  Add spurting blood to that topless motif and we have something that we may be able to classify as prurient.  Oh, and how the blood does spurt!  Our feature today is 2024's "Death Streamer."

Arturo (Sean Ohlman) is a handsome vampire that invites big breasted babes to his mansion.  With the help of his topless bartender (Chili Jean) and thug servant (Travis Stoner), he drugs babes in sexy party gowns, lays them on a bed, and eats their necks. Oh, even better!  He livestreams all this for his million subscribers. Discretion is not one of his strong points. On the other side of town, Alex (Aaron Michael McDavid), Edwina (Emma Massalone), and Juniper (Kaitlin Moore) have their own livestream, a YouTube show called Church of Chills that explores occult phenomena and ghosts. The trio are struggling to gain enough subscribers to make their show profitable, but appear to be fighting a losing battle.  Then by accident, Juniper comes across Arturo's bloody livestream and the trio figure out his murders are real.  Now Alex has an idea.

Arturo is smart and figures out that Juniper has hacked into his stream.  Now Arturo comes through the livestream and threatens Alex, Edwina, and Juniper...they should have heeded the warnings. Alex, smelling subscribers, decides to play one of Arturo's murders on Church of Chills. Not a good idea as Arturo decides the intrusive trio is going to be a problem and he comes after them.  Trying to defend themselves, Edwina does research and realizes Arturo's real age and what his ultimate plan is, and it is terrifying.  Now the two babes are in mortal danger of being the next sacrifice as Alex constructs wooden crosses to defend themselves.

Do Alex, Edwina, and Juniper have a prayer at defending themselves from a toothy and aroused vampire who likes dames with great big...smiles?  Will Juniper or Edwina capture Arturo's eye and be his next sacrifice?  Will Alex' wooden crosses and his knowledge of the occult be enough to mount a defense against Arturo and his minions?  This is a bloody, prurient, and graphic film from our buddies at Full Moon.  Kids, if your mom says 'no way are you watching a Full Moon Features movie,' obey them.  For a bloody good time, and especially for fans of Charles Band, see "Death Streamer."

Hunting Emma, A Pacifist Goes Nuclear

In 1897, Sigmund Freud was quoted as saying, "Inside every pacifist is a raging nymphomaniac psychopath thirsting to gut any brute that comes her way." Okay, I admit this is a paraphrase. Still, you've seen this trope...and anti-violence, anti-gun, anti-war puke is pushed to the limit and he or she becomes Predator! Today we have one from South Africa, 2017's "Hunting Emma," directed by Byron Davis.

Emma (Leandie du Randt) is a sultry blonde schoolteacher who is a pacifist, supposedly. On her holiday, she drives to visit her dad (Tertius Meintjes) and breaks down on a deserted highway.  Unlucky for her she spots six men who might be able to help.  Too late, as she nears them, the gang of six criminals executes a police officer.  Emma, horrified, runs.  The gang leader, Bosman (Neels van Jaarsveld) orders his men to capture her...they do.  Bosman then orders Boela (Edwin van der Walt) to rape her...he tries.  Dad finds out Emma is stranded and in the wilderness.  He puts two and two together and sees that a gang of six is hunting her...and he is scared...for the six men.  See, dad was a special forces monster who taught Emma all he knew...especially how to murder. In handcuffs, Emma escapes as Boela is distracted...the chase is on again.  Emma is smart and triples back on her tracks causing the men to separate.

Boella and AJ (Danie Putter) find her first...to their detriment. Boella ends up gutted and AJ ends up... educated.  Now Bosman is ticked!  The men keep pursuing, Emma keeps slaughtering.  Now Emma has one of their radios and calls Bosman a "b@#$h."  Bosman has an ego and three men left.  Well, you can guess how the rest of the plot goes.  Oh, I should say Emma just broke up with her BF because he slugged a guy in a bar.  This fact will make the ending of this film priceless...you'll see.

Will Emma murder her way all the way to Bosman and then skewer him?  Will Emma's dad camp out in the wilderness with popcorn, marshmallows, and beer and just wait for his bloodstained daughter to arrive?  Will Emma see the error of her ways and take her BF back?  The goons in this film are evil, and Emma is quite the babe as she sweats nicely in the South African desert.  For a vicious babe versus brutes film, see "Hunting Emma." 

The Arkansas Pigman Massacre, Little Girls and a Hatchet Wielding Pig

A coming of age film!  yep, if the homicidal half man-half pig were a cello instead and this film was called "Two Girls and a Cello," the critics would all love it. Yep, it would get an 8.8/10 rating on IMDB instead of the 2.9 it does get. Something about a behemoth of a man with a pig's head scares the critics...wusses! Hey, Eric Roberts is in this...we like Eric Roberts, and even though his 90 second scene has no bearing on the plot, we do admire his...hair. But wait!  You'll never guess!  This is actually a pretty good film. Our feature today is 2025's "The Arkansas Pigman Massacre," directed by JT Kris.

Pig Man is the behemoth hunk who has a pig head, wears a bloody apron, and wields a hatchet and carving knife. He chases down hikers and campers, cuts them open, and feasts on their internal organs.  The monster man oinks a lot and is relentless.  As the film opens, we see him hunt a few down. So here are our two stars, a couple of 12-year-old girls who are into their phones, music, and boys. Tracey (Junie Liv Thomasson) is from a broken family and would rather live with her dad (Roberts) than her mom. Chelsea (Saga Pernille Johnson Muro) is her buddy. Tracey has a crush on Chelsea's rock-star brother, Dylan (Dante B. Salazar). Dylan is driving the two pre-teens to summer camp when the car stalls on a back dirt road...and along comes Pig Man. Pig Man takes Dylan away and Tracey and Chelsea flee into the woods.

Now our two slightly annoying, but kind of likable pre-dames are on the run.  Pig Man wants them to eat for dinner.  The girls are horrified, exhausted, and helpless to defend themselves against the raging monster with the hatchet.  Pig Man eats Dylan and now the gals have no hope for rescue.  Several close calls occur, but the screeching duo always just get away.  Along the way, Pig Man sometimes veers off and murders and eats more campers.  No problem here, the monster always gets right back on the trail.  Now the gals are desperate and their bond of friendship may be their biggest weapon against Pig Man, an obvious metaphor for modern American media and culture and their effort to destroy femininity in our young girls.

Will Tracey and Chelsea defeat the ruination that awaits them and turn the tables on Pig Man?  Will Eric Roberts do anything of note in this 90-minute epic?  Is the fact that this film took place in Arkansas an obvious message of and metaphor for the perversion and ruination that Bill and Hillary Clinton caused a nation?  Better than any "Mandalorian" garbage, and infinitely more valuable to our social conscience than the over-rated "To Kill a Mockingbird," "The Arkansas Pigman Massacre" is a film you must put on your watch-list.

Bad Channels, A Shrunken MTV Generation

What a combo!  Charles Band and Full Moon Entertainment merged with MTV. Yep, we have it here today and it even stars the perky Martha Quinn!  I believe she is an MTV original. When MTV still did music videos, boy that was long ago, their allure, especially with teens, was at its maximum. Now, MTV is gone, at least from any kind of popularity. Did MTV turn our kids into mind-numbed robots? Well, according to this film...maybe. Our feature today is 1992's "Bad Channels," directed by Ted Nicolaou.

Superstation 66 is the biggest rock station in the country. DJ Dan O'Dare (Paul Hipp) is kicking the programming off and it is being covered by TV reporterette Lisa (Quinn). Uh, oh! UFOs and one lands near the station. A slimy alien comes to the station with his laser shooting robot and takes it over. The station is covered in green slime so no one gets in or out. Dan is forced to broadcast and his music entrances the sultriest dames in Pahoota to dirty dance.  Even worse, as the babes dance, the slimy alien zaps them into glass jars at the station and shrinks them to a foot tall.  Now the beautiful high school band babe Bunny (Daryl Strauss), the beautiful diner waitress Cookie (Charlie Spradling), and sultry and kinky Nurse Ginger (Melissa Behr) are captured in these jars...but one more needs to be filled.

Outside the station, many of the town's citizens are overtaken by a green fungus that grows when the music from the station is broadcast.  Inside the studio, Dan tries everything to fight the monster alien and the laser-shooting robot and also tries to rescue the shrunken babes.  Lisa heroically keeps covering the story for her station as the cops and locals converge on the station and its radio tower.  The music blasts and each babe is entranced by a separate MTV-type band. Guitars play aplenty, lead singers gyrate like crazy, and babes are spun into sexual frenzies.

What does the slimy green alien want with the babes it has captured and put into jars?  Who is destined to be put in the fourth jar?  Will Lisa earn her Emmy for this heroic reporting, or will she be sucked in by the radio frequency, shrunk, and be put into that last jar? The cheese factor is terrific and the music factor is...well, if you liked MTV, you'll like these tunes.  See "Bad Channels" and relive the days MTV dominated the psyche of high schoolers throughout the world.

Adam & Evil, Teens in Wilderness Shredded

Erica Cerra is a lovely actress we never saw enough of.  She was the sultry deputy in the Syfy show "Eureka," and had a voice that oozed seduction...and wore her uniform well. She's in this slasher epic, and no uniform, just some shorts and at times a bikini. What we have here is sort of a rip-off of "Friday the 13th," not in backstory, but of sultry teens felled by a machete, arrows, a sickle, or other blunt instruments.  Before the bikini babes and hunks assume room temperature, there will be a lot of steamy pre-marital sex, beer drinking, and more steamy carnal relations. Our feature today is 2004's "Adam & Evil," directed by Andrew Van Slee.

Four years ago Adam (Sean Arnfinson) and Matt (Brody Harms) set off a Roman candle that shot into a house by accident and incinerated a nice family. Accident, but the two now have a bloody secret. These two will join six others in a wilderness getaway as they have just graduated from high school. Yvette (Lynsey Brothers) is Adam's GF and she knows about the dirty deed. Also along are the hunk Rob (Terrence William) and Rachel (Tiffany Paterson).  This couple is so sweet and Rachel in a bikini is unbelievable...they'll both be impaled through the neck by the same arrow, so sweet. Yep...the killings start fairly quickly. Oh, Seth (Kevin Robson) is sliced in his tent after boinking the lovely Maureen (Allison Warnyca). Maureen is the sheriff's (Jodie Graham) wife and he is a jealous sort...a killer?

The teens start being sliced and impaled at a rapid rate.  Suspects? Well, Yvonne (Cerra) just dumped her psycho BF Shane (James Clayton) and he followed the group to the wilderness with evil intentions.  Too easy?  There is the obligatory creepy caretaker (Jeffrey Fisher) with the hedge clippers.  Oh, Evelyn!  The most seductive of them all, also looks great in a bikini, and is loose with the pre-marital sex.  Why is she a suspect?  You'll see.  Booby traps, arrows, and machetes will fly and blood will spatter.  Babes will die horribly and so will hunks.  The killer goes through these great looking teens like crap through a goose.  Then!  Guess what!  A nice surprise ending and a final reveal that will be so satisfying.

Will Erica Cerra make it to the end credits or will she enjoy a dramatic death scene?  Will there be bikini-babe catfights?  Will Adam and Matt finally face retribution for that horrible Roman candle accident four years ago?  The cheese and beef is the highlight of this film but the kills are numerous and great.  For a throwback to the 1980s Slasher Era, see "Adam & Evil."  

Rag Doll, Slasher Raggedy Ann

We have a grim one, today.  No humor, wit, or relief from a bloody ominous horror with a big knife.  Our villain today is an oversized Raggedy Ann doll, named Emily (Junior Wunna). The doll has quite the history and a big knife.  Don't get too attached to anyone in this film no matter how big their...er, their smiles are.  Our feature today is the Chrissie Wunna spectacular, 2023's "Rag Doll," directed by Ben Ivory.

As our film begins the six-foot-tall rag doll, with its big knife, slashes two sultry sisters.  Happens.  Fast forward, Chia (Chrissie Wunna) and her lesbian lover Monica (Danielle Scott) are moving into a country house with Chia's daughter Crystal (Ruby Wunna).  Both Monica and Chia have great big...smiles and will have a pre-marital sex scene later and will swap a lot of spit.  This is not okay with Crystal who is angry her mom decided she played for the other team and left her dad, Dom (Benjamin Schnau). A really ripped up rag doll is found, the same one that leveled the sultry sisters, and Crystal decides she likes it. The doll is Crystal's only friend and Crystal is very hostile to the sultry Monica. The lesbians have a dinner party and invite a gay couple, Jonny (Connor Powles) and Rob (Scott McGlynn). Crystal is hostile to all of them because these alternative lifestyles have ruined her family life.

The rag doll comes to life and begins murdering anyone who has anything to do with this film. The gay couple will not fare well and either will...well, you'll see.  Recognizing the assets of Monica and Chia, the movie maker dresses them up in some party gowns you will not believe!  Crystal continues to be unhappy and the rag doll gets more bloodthirsty.  We're filled in on the backstory and it is a grotesque one.  Unfortunately for Monica and Chia, the psycho-doll has no fondness for alternate lifestyles.

Just how did the knife-wielding rag doll come about?  Will the lesbian couple with the great big...smiles, have a chance against the maniacal Raggedy Ann thing that stalks their house?  Will Crystal's attachment to her new companion lead to issues with her mom?  The cast is fantastic and great looking.  The doll is menacing and the knife is big.  For a neat slasher film, see "Rag Doll," and enjoy all that Chrissie Wunna has to offer.

 

Equalizer 2000, Post-Apocalyptic Fun

Okay, if we are going to have a post-apocalyptic film from the 80s, we should also have a babe dressed in leather who fires a lot of big guns. Check. Many will remember Corinne Wahl nee Alphen.  Currently the former Playmate works as a professional Tarot card reader. Don't judge...what are you doing to make a buck? In this one she will match up with a sweaty brute, fire a lot of guns, have pre-marital sex, be tied up and bound, and fall in love...a true post-apocalyptic siren.  Our feature today is 1987's "Equalizer 2000," directed by Cirio H. Santiago. 

Slade (Richard Norton) has muscles, sweats a lot, and grunts. While fighting the evil rulers of the post-apocalyptic wasteland, The Ownership, his dad is killed by an Ownership general named Lawton (William Steis). Now the free agent Slade is on the run, trying to avoid The Ownership and a myriad of rebel groups. The Ownership traipses the wasteland looking for resources and oil.  They also murder anyone who may be a rebel.  Slade is taken prisoner by Dixon's (Rex Cutter) rebels as they think he is an Ownership thug.  Soon, Dixon's best fighter, Karen (Wahl) befriends Slade.  Gaining the trust of Dixon's rebels, and also the affections of the sweaty babe clad in leather, Slade builds a mega-gun that shoots everything including missiles.  With this gun, Slade repels Lawton and his forces.  Now Lawton wants the gun.

Slade and Karen have pre-marital sex and are eventually captured. Slade will get away but Lawton will end up wit the big gun. Karen will also escape and now all the rebel groups will unite on a last ditch effort to destroy the rule of The Ownership.  Slade also converges on the fort of The Ownership but only to murder Lawton.  Lawton possesses Slade's gun and it is the great equalizer.  Clad in leather and looking better than any Tarot card reader has a right to, Karen leads a raid inside The Ownership's fort. Slade is a bit slow but grunting and sweating he also arrives.  A mega-war breaks out.  Flamethrowers, rocket launchers, bows and arrows, spears, and those neat souped up cars from the "Mad Max" movies!  So beautiful.

Will Lawton recapture Karen and use his big gun on her?  Will Slade decide to help the rebels destroy The Ownership?  Will Karen and Slade swap any more spit and other bodily fluids in a dark tunnel emanating the scents of sweat and Chanel No. 5?  This is an epic one which is heavy on battle scenes.  If you need to watch a man's movie, avoid the current box office and see "Equalizer 2000" and then go have your cards read.

Two on a Guillotine, Nubile Blonde Babe in Peril

Connie Stevens! Dean Jones! Cesar Romero!  A cute Disney flick? No! A twisted and taboo tale that will make you squirm.  Heads will roll, the beautiful will be...well, you'll see, but it will be yucky.  Betrayal, deceit, murder, and madness await this cast which is more suited for a family prime-time drama. Our feature today is 1965's "Two on a Guillotine," directed by William Conrad. 

20 years ago The Great Duquesne (Romero) was this country's finest magician.  He always had cutting edge and bloody tricks that made audiences gasp.  They were just tricks, though.  His beautiful assistant was his wife Melinda (Stevens). She'd be bloodied and impaled but always reappeared whole after the trick. Uh oh...something is wrong...but what? Melinda seems fed up and bordering on a breakdown as her two-year old seems more attached to the babysitter, Dolly (Virginia Gregg). Then poof! 20 years later. That two-year old is now 22 and the sultry Cassie (also Stevens).  She arrives back in town just before the funeral of her dad. She had not seen him for 20 years after...after...after what? Now there he is in a coffin with windows and a weird will. The will?  Cassie gets everything if she stays in his mansion for 7 days without being scared away...easy, right?

Enter Val (Jones).  He's cute and pushy.  A reporter who is also wondering about the aforementioned questions.  Even better, in the will, The Great Duquesne promised to come back from the dead. Lying to Cassie, in order to get a story, Val says he's in real estate.  After a horrific first five-minutes in the mansion, Val rushes in and saves Cassie and now she is sweet on him.  Cassie, believing Val is in real estate, tells him all she knows about her dad but this just creates more questions. Oh, the locked room.  There is a room at the top of the stairs that they have no key for. Strange screams, moans and flying skeletons play on Cassie's nerves.  Val, at first, only wanted a story and used deception, now falls in love with Cassie.  Uh oh, if Cassie finds out he is a reporter, he'll be thrown out. Then the mystery of what happened to Melinda.  Cassie is a spitting image of her mom and no one knows where she went...though her harp playing often can be heard through the mansion. 

Enough of the plot.  The mansion is cavernous and spooky.  Cassie is nubile and prone to scares.  Val is quite taken by the blonde.  What happened to Melinda?  Will The Great Duquesne come back from the grave?  Will Val ever level with Cassie and properly allow her to fall in love with him?  Startling and unnerving, the final reveal eventually arrives and is frightening and heartbreaking. Forego any Disney garbage and see a real shocker, "Two on a Guillotine."

   

Crisis Point, Rhona Mitra Hostage Negotiator

Rhona Mitra as a vampire!  Rhona Mitra as an assassin!  Rhona Mitra as a monster hunter!  So, why not Rhona Mitra as a hostage negotiator?  I know, hostage negotiators usually don't wear black leather catsuits, except in North Korea, but Rhona Mitra in anything will do. Today we have a crime thriller in which the bad guys will have to deal with the sultriest voice ever to be on the other end of the telephone. Our feature today is 2012's "Crisis Point," directed by Adrian Willis.

No one is perfect.  Still, if you have to be imperfect, you may has well have the perfect body, hence Cameron Grainger (Mitra) is called to a hostage stand-off in Detroit. A 16-year old liquor store robber (Zack Paledeau) has a gun and bad robbing skills, thus a stand-off.  He'll soon talk to Cameron on the telephone, lucky kid.  A half dozen lives are at stake.  Uh oh...a horrible mistake occurs and the negotiation goes bad. Now Cameron leaves the force and her teaching position at  the college. The good news is hunk detective Liam (Marc Menard) can now date her. Cameron is not ready to date yet, but we know she's interested. Cameron needs time  off to assess if she has lost what it takes to be a great hostage negotiator. Time off? Ha! Two robbers enter a bank and now a botched getaway lead to another hostage standoff.

Do the cops call in all-star negotiator Cameron, even though she is on leave? No! The bad guys call her in!  Why? Here is the rub...the sultry back manager is Darcy (Erika Rosenbaum)...Cameron's sister.  Coincidence? Hardly!  We should also point out that this bank has the sultriest bank teller ever put on film, the lovely Tanya (Jordan Hayes). Seems the lead bank robber (Elias Toufexis) is not interested in robbing the bank...he is interested in revenge. See, and this twist can be seen a mile away, this bank robber is the older brother of the deceased 16-year old from the botched negotiation at the start of this film. Now Cameron soon finds out she is not dealing with a bank robber, but the bloodthirsty brother of the kid he thinks Cameron killed. Cameron better work fast as the robber has plans for Erika...and the other bank robber has plans for the sultry Tanya.  

Will Cameron be able to put together a successful negotiation after the deadly one earlier in this film? Will Erika escape the wrath of the man who believes his brother was killed by Cameron?  Will the lovely Tanya be able to repel the dirty advances of the other bank robber? Rhona Mitra is terrific and her voice could bring Putin and Zelensky to a ceasefire.  Perhaps no surprises but a terrific crime thriller anyway with a nice cheese and beef factor.  See "Crisis Point" and enjoy a seductive effort by one of our favorite actresses.   

Dollman, A 13-Inch Cop

As the 80s melded into the 90s, Full Moon Entertainment became king of straight-to-video releases.  A number of franchise plot devices and characters were created.  Charles Band knew what he was doing and Blockbuster made a fortune in rental sales because of him.  Little people (no, not midgets) and little creatures were favorites of audiences with some nice cheese and sexual situations added in.  Today we will look at 1991's "Dollman," directed by Albert Pyun.

On the Planet Arturos, a "Dirty Harry" like cop is suspended for brutality.  Brick Bardo (Tim Thomerson) shoots first and asks questions later.  After his latest feat, the suspended cop is captured by an old nemesis, Sprug (Frank Collison). Sprug is a detached head that flies around on a small flying saucer and has in his possession a bomb that can blow up the entire planet. Brick murders Sprug's henchmen and chases the head. Both beings climb aboard spaceships and end up crash landing on Earth. Now the 13-inch detective is at a disadvantage...size wise. Being the cop he is, Brick saves the lovely Debi (Kamala Lopez) from violation from a drug gang lead by Braxton (Jackie Earle Haley).  Retreating from the murderous cop, the gang finds Sprug and brings him with them. Now Debi takes Brick home and Sprug buys Braxton's help with the promise of a bomb that can destroy all of New York City.

Sprug wants revenge on Brick, who is responsible for shooting off all his limbs.  Brick tries to help Debi clean up her neighborhood and murders a lot of drug thugs. Now Braxton sends his gang after Brick, but Brick, even at his small size, wipes them out.  Now Braxton gets smart and grabs Debi, luring Brick to his hideout.  Ultimately, Braxton plans to destroy New York with his new fusion bomb.  The small cop with a potent gun shies away from no villain, and his sense of chivalry draws him into the ambush in order to save the noble damsel.

Will the unification of Braxton and Sprug spell the annihilation of the Big Apple?  Will the little cop with a big heart be able to save Debi?  Even if the the 13-inch cop saves the normal sized babe, can they actually do anything to celebrate?  This is a good one filled with wit, gore, violence, and a lot of shoot-outs.  See "Dollman" and be ready for a ton of spin-offs and sequels.