Cinderella's Revenge, Fairy Tale Slasher

Okay, Natasha Henstridge is an ageless beauty. The sultry star of "Species" and "Ghost of Mars" is the Fairy Godmother in today's feature. She has a wand, will summon Elon Musk and Vidal Sassoon, and corrupt Cinderella into becoming a mad slasher. The Prince will have a few surprises coming when he seeks the owner of a glass slipper left at his ball...very erotic surprises, too. Intrigued?  Today we look at 2024's "Cinderella's Revenge," directed by Andy Edwards.

Cinderella (Lauren Staerck) is beset by an evil stepmother, Katherine (Stephanie Lodge), and two brutal step sisters, Rachel (Megan Purvis) and Josephine (Beatrice Fletcher). As the film begins, Katherine has murdered Cinderella's dad (Mike Kelson). Now Cinderella is an abused servant, ripe for torture and whipping. The Prince (Darrell Griggs) sends invites to every nubile babe in the kingdom. He will throw a ball and select a wife from the talent pool that shows up. Rachel and Josephine will attend, as will their mother. Cinderella is left home to do chores...enter the Fairy Godmother.  Miss Henstridge portrays a contemporary Fairy Godmother and summons up history's best fashion designers to design Cinderella's wardrobe and even Elon Musk to drive her to the mall in an EV.

Cinderella captures the affections of the Prince, but Katherine and her two daughters are seething mad. Midnight arrives, and Cinderella has to run away.  Once Katherine and the evil step sisters arrive home, they torture and pummel Cinderella. Enter the Fairy Godmother with an idea.  Revenge.  Bloody revenge. The babe fairy provides the means and now Cinderella's enemies are shredded.  Gutting, disembowelment, and pummeling await the wrath of everyone's favorite fairy tale damsel. This one will get quite gory.  The ending? Ha!  You can figure it out, especially if you know the fairy tale.  There is one not quite slight deviation. What happens in the marital bed after the wedding will leave you wincing and aroused.

Do Katherine, Rachel, or Josephine have a prayer at making it to the end credits?  How can we get fairy godmothers like Natasha Henstridge?  Did the Prince bite off more than he could chew in selecting a Cinderella coming to terms with her...dark side?  This one is a lot of fun and not too different from the actual fairy tale, before it was toned down for children.  See "Cinderella's Revenge" and enjoy Natasha Henstridge.

Below, Young Love and a Bull Shark

I know, this one won't get a lot of love. I'll just say it...I loved this film!  An outlandish plot. A big shark that eats a lot of people. Bikini babes. Hunks (well, a bit milquetoast, but we'll call them "hunks").  A love story between a hot blonde and a dweeb.  As improbable as this plot may be, it is infinitely more probable than those wretched "Star Wars" films...and that stupid "Mandalorian" garbage. Our film today is 2023's "Below," directed by Robin Christian.

All right!  Here goes. Lance (Logan Borsari) is a dweeb.  He's trying, and not very well, to use SCUBA gear in a remote reservoir. The milquetoast hunk-wannabe spots Annabel (Audra Schildhouse) sunbathing on a raft in the middle of this lake.  She's in a nice bikini. Many years ago, at summer camp, the two were one another's first kiss...so sweet. He man's up and swims out there only to be met by her BF Nate (Garret Forster). Nate tries to humiliate Lance and does a good job. Also on the raft is Nate's friend Riley. Two other bikini babe, Dixie (Courtney Wax) and the extremely big breasted Lori (Meitar Paz) join them. Lori wants Nate and a catfight brews between her and Annabel.

The shark arrives.  It eats Riley and a hunter near shore.  Now it keeps feeding on anyone who is not on the raft or who falls in.  The creature rams the raft knocking babes and hunks in.  Now the raft is falling apart.  Lance tries to man up but Nate continues to humiliate him. Poor Lance, we do feel sorry for him. We do sense Annabel is developing an attraction to him as her own BF behaves so bad.  Now Lance has a chance to save the day but the odds are against him.  As all looks lost, not only will Lance man-up but the big breasted Lori will try to emerge as quite the hero or die trying.

Will Lance end up with Annabel?  Will the big breasted Lori be able to be an unlikely hero or merely part of the shark's buffet?  Will any of the other bikini babes try to wipe that smug look off Annabel's face and feed her to the predatory fish?  This is a good one with a very nice cheesecake rating.  For an underwater shark film that is a bit quirky, full of surprises, and one tremendous ending, see "Below."

Nemesis, Cyborgs vs. The LAPD

Forget about everything about this film. Plot?  Not important.  What you need to know is that the sultry Deborah Shelton has the greatest death scene in motion picture history.  You'll see her demise and exalt, "Wow!  That's how I wanna go!" No one can look so good and so mangled at the same time. Okay, fear not, we'll talk about the plot but it won't matter.  Forget diving into an active volcano, or getting caught in the gears of a combine, or even being picked apart by rabid pterodactyls...the way Deborah Shelton goes... well, that will give one legend status.  Today we look at 1992's "Nemesis," directed by Albert Pyun.

In 2027, Alex (Olivier Gruner) is a LAPD cop. Kind of. He's 86% cyborg. His job...kill bad cyborgs. He does this at the beginning of the film but incurs the wrath of 2 babe cyborgs and two hunk cyborgs. They chase him and almost kill him. Six months later, he's rebuilt and recuperating in Baja. In Baja he kills another babe cyborg (Jennifer Gatti), a waitress serving him cerveza. Along come two babe cyborgs, Jared (Marjorie Monoghan) and Sam  (Marjean Holden). We gather Alex and Jared are old lovers. Don't ask. Now the plot gets complicated when the LAPD Commissioner, Farnsworth (Tim Thomerson) sends him on a mission to capture Jared. Yep, Jared has gone rogue...kind of. Oh yes, Alex has a nuke planted in his heart and it will detonate when he gets close to Jared.

What?  Yeah, I know...don't ask. Off to Java to find Jared...instead he finds Julian (Shelton). What Julian tells him will be shocking but not nearly as shocking as what is about to happen to this babe. Fresh from a nude scene, what is done to Julian will change your life. You think Joan d' Arc had a dramatic death... you haven't seen nothing yet.  Okay, Alex meets another babe, Max Impact (Merle Kennedy). Max may be human but holds the key to human survival against the cyborgs. She's perky and playful and we can see Alex falling in love with her. Now cyborg Farnsworth and his henchmen arrive in Java to kill Alex and all the humans. Oh, I should mention the machine gun fights. There are more machine gun rounds fired in the movie than there were in the Battle of the Bulge.

Being 14% human, is Alex still able to...well, you know...like if Julian walks into the room and...okay, forget this question.  Just how does Julian die?  Is there any human left who is not at least part cyborg?  This is a bang 'em up, shoot 'em up action scifi epic.  You gals will love Mr. Gruner and his abs, and you guys will love the babe cyborgs and Deborah Shelton's death scene. For an inspiring look into the year 2027, see "Nemesis."  

The Cat and the Canary, Inheritance and Insanity

Today we have an Agatha Christie-type story.  This one even has a tinge (maybe, more of a tinge) of eroticism.  Brutal murder, comic wit, and love.  Even more important is a great cheese factor. Picture Carol Lynley, clad in a slinky negligee, in great peril. Picture Honor Blackman and Olivia Hussey as lovers. In a film in which everyone is a suspect, maniacal drama and bloody homicide rule the day.  Our film today is 1978's "The Cat and the Canary," directed by Radley Metzger.

Old geyser tycoon, Cyrus West (Wilfrid Hyde-White) dies...20 years ago. Pursuant to his will, his potential heirs are summoned for the reading of the will. He filmed himself reading the will. In the film, he announces who gets his fortune. There is a caveat.  His heir must not be insane...and must survive for the next 24 hours. The summoned cast features the lovely Annabelle (Lynley). No spoiler here...she's the rightful heir, if she can convince everyone she's not insane...and survives the night. Susan (Blackman) is a big game hunter and brings her sex toy, Cecily (Hussey) along with her to the mansion. Paul (Michael Callan) is the American who wants to be kissing cousins with Annabelle. Charlie (Peter McEnery) is the war hero. There are some more...not all will survive.

Surprise! Hendricks (Edward Fox) arrives. He is the head psychologist at an asylum for the criminally insane. He announces one of his patients, who thinks he is a cat, has escaped and is probably hiding in the mansion.  Annabelle immediately puts on a slinky nightgown and holds off the advances of Paul and Henry (Daniel Massey).  Then the executor is grabbed and horribly mangled by the escaped lunatic.  Uh oh...a secret passageway will allow the killer to enter Annabelle's bedchambers as she sleeps.  As a raging thunder and lightning storm rages, Susan and Cecily share passion, and the evil being makes a move for Annabelle.

Is Annabelle sane?  If she is, will she remain alive to collect her fortune?  Does either Paul or Henry have a shot at her?  Will a negligee clad Annabelle see to it to get into a catfight with either Susan or Cecily...or both?  Okay, that third question was gratuitous and in bad taste. For a bloody and erotic good time, with some very erotic fashion statements by Carol Lynley, see "The Cat and the Canary."

 

The Satanic Rites of Dracula, Christopher Lee Battles Peter Cushing, Again

Christopher Lee was always a bit of a grouch about his film "Dracula A.D. 1972."  He called it his worst film he ever appeared in. This is a curious statement.  That late Hammer film was actually pretty good.  I have a theory.  I think Mr. Lee made a pass at Caroline Munro and she swatted him away. Ms. Munro turned in a wildly erotic scene and an erotically bloody death scene.  Her effort was stellar. So in 1973, one year later, Christopher Lee, portraying Dracula again, makes "The Satanic Rites of Dracula." A very similar film...this time without Caroline Munro. Today we look at this Hammer film also directed by Alan Gibson, which also stars Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. Maybe Mr. Gibson was also thwarted when he tried to get into Ms. Munro's tight black pants. 

Chin Yang (Barbara Yu Ling) is the hot Asian babe who leads a Satanic cult filled with England's most powerful wealthy men, military men, and government officials. She's a doll with a sacrificial dagger and she plunges that dagger into the heart of a nude blonde babe on an altar, turning her into a vampire. A gratuitous opening scene. The cult has plans. Two cops, Inspector Torrence (William Franklyn) and Inspector Murray (Michael Coles) call in Van Helsing to help. Uh oh, the cult captures Jane (Valerie Van Ost), the sultry police secretary and turns her into a vampire. Now the two inspectors, Van Helsing, and Van Helsing's grand daughter, Jessica (Joanna Lumley) investigate.  Uh oh, the corporation that owns all the properties that cult activities are taking place is owned by a mysterious tycoon, who is really Count Dracula.

Dracula has a nefarious plan. Unleash the bubonic plague throughout the world and wipe it out.  He also intends to make Jessica his bride.  Capturing Jessica brings Van Helsing and the inspectors into his mansion to face off against the sultry Chinese priestess, dozens of babe vampires, and Dracula himself. Dracula has many weapons at his disposal like thugs on motorcycles, the aforementioned vamps in the dungeon, vials of the plague, and thousands of years of cleverness.  Unfortunately for him, Van Helsing's smarts will be a worthy adversary, especially once he is determined to save his grand daughter.

The babe factor is tremendous.  The plot is gruesome especially when the plague is introduced.  Maybe not as flashy as the previous year's "Dracula A.D. 1972," but still semi-erotic and inclusive of classic Van Helsing-Dracula tropes. See "The Satanic Rites of Dracula" and try to figure out why Caroline Munro was repulsed by Christopher Lee.  

Devil's Knight, Sword, Sorcery, Monsters, and Fair Maidens in Peril

The Mahal Brothers just keep giving us movies we actually want. In today's feature we have a myriad of slimy and deadly monsters, fair maidens in peril, big swords wielded by hunks, and of course disembowelment, severed limbs, and a weird catfight. Throw in witches, and palace intrigue...oh!  Guess what else!  Angie Everhart with the most seductive French accent ever.  If you are not in love with Angie Everhart, well, just watch this movie, and you will be.  Today we take a look at 2024's (this one premiers next month) "Devil's Knight," directed by Adam Werth.  With a cast of thousands there will be hundreds of babes and hunks thrown at you...sometimes one limb at a time, and absolutely fantastic monster effects.

Sigurd (John Wells) wanders into the campsite of some benign peasants and tells them the story of the Kingdom of Veroka sieged by monster attacks.  Even without monsters, King Samuel's (Kevin Hager) kingdom is in peril from Palace Intrigue. The Duchess of Baudicourt (Everhart) is scheming with the Monsignor (Greg Tally) to revolt and place Princess Sabine (Sarah Nicklin) in power. Sabine is quite a babe and quite the swordsmith. There is so much here so let's just skip to the monsters.  The Bone Devil has wandered out of the woods and is now eating King Samuel's loyal subjects.  The king's knights are shredded by the thing thus a rogue group of mercenaries known as The Lost Blades are summoned. Their specialty is monster hunting. Uh oh...the Duchess, the Monsignor, and Sabine have plans to betray the Lost Blades...but for what end?

The Lost Blades are led by Mathias (Robert Standley). He has a secret.  His son fights along with his men.  No surprise here, except for everyone but Sabine, Mathias' son John is actually his daughter Joan (Kim Kelly). Why is this important? A lot of reasons but for me, it is because a great catfight is set up between Sabine and Joan. Uh oh again, the Bone Devil is not the big problem, at least for now, for the Lost Blades.  Another more vicious fiend awaits inside the kingdom.  The king's men, of questionable loyalty, include Kevin Sorbo and Eric Roberts. Oh, Princess Catriona (Holland Stull)?  She'll end up being your favorite, but no spoilers here...just keep an eye on her...which won't be hard.  Okay, a cacophony of monster fighting, swordplay, fair maidens in much peril, and palace intrigue will enrapt you and not let you go.

The Mahal Brothers have put together a quasi-epic that will pull you in and bring you on a 90 minute adventure into the realm of sword and sorcery...and monsters.  Perhaps we'll be treated with the board game version of this film someday.  Whether you prefer hunk knights with big swords, fair maidens with big swords, Angie Everhart with an alluring French accent, or vicious monsters eating and pulling apart everyone, "Devil's Knight" is a film for you.  

The Asphyx, Another Stupid Mad Scientist Idea

Immortal life! Yep, just put some mad scientist on it.  What he'll come up with will be a real winner.  Always works out so well.  Yep...this will work out just fine.  What could go wrong? Hence, our film today, 1972's "The Asphyx," directed by Peter Newbrook.

Sir Hugo Cunningham (Robert Stephens) is our mad scientist.  As our film begins he brings his new fiancé to his spacious estate to meet his children.  Anna (Fiona Walker) is very attractive and sweet and does not yet know she has gotten involved with a mad scientist.  This guy has a laboratory downstairs, next to the family crypt. Anna makes a great impression on Hugo's lovely daughter Christina (Jane Lapotaire) and her fiancé Giles (Robert Powell). Also, a great impression on Hugo's son Clive (Ralph Arliss). Okay, Hugo is into photography and believes he can photograph the soul if the picture is snapped at the moment just before death. He is going to get the opportunity to fine tune this theory.  Okay, the happy family goes boating and Hugo stays ashore filming it. Horrible accidents occur and Hugo captures the deaths of Clive and Anna.  So sad.

Now Hugo is experimenting on moving pictures, this film is set in 1875. He has captured more than just the soul. He has captured some force that moves into the body just as death occurs. Idea!  A good one! Hardly.  Hugo believes if he can trap that entity from arriving at the body, the person will not die. Even better.  If he captures that entity and locks it away forever, the person will never die and have immortality. Yeah...this will go so well.  Why wouldn't it? The results are Hugo was right...he can indeed do this. Like all mad scientist breakthroughs, unintended consequences will ruin the day.  Just ask Victor Frankenstein. Now the results are gruesome and not at all happy.

Is immortality really something we should desire (at least on this side of eternity)? Once grasping immortality, does that change investment and courtship habits?  Look around you right now, do you really want anyone near you to be around forever?  This is a thought provoking horror film that becomes more gruesome than you could imagine.  See "The Asphyx," and be ready for some deep discussions.  

Silent Thunder, True Gritt Meets Feast

Gotta love non-woke westerns!  We have brutes with guns (pistols and rifles).  We have dancehall girls who dance and engage in carnal relations.  We have stagecoaches.  We have bank robbers and a tough U.S. Marshal bringing them in for justice. The men smell like dirty underwear and the dames smell like lavender.  Today's westerns preach to us about racism and why men should take on a more feminine demeanor. Yuck. Today we look at a non-woke 2023 western. Oh!  Did I mention the monsters?  Our feature today is "Silent Thunder," directed by Isaac Medeiros. To you snowflakes out there, there are no forced plot lines containing social justice themes.

Tough U.S. Marshal, Spencer Sunday (Ted McGinley) is bringing in two bank robbers. Both Don (Jack Lucarelli) and Quinn (Jonathan Stoddard) will face the hangman's noose.  On the way, they stop at an outpost for drink and to let the horses rest.  At this saloon the trio is told about monsters in the nearby hills that snatch sultry dancehall damsels, rape them, then eat them after they give birth to baby monsters. Guess what! Also arriving is a stage with five sultry dancehall damsels who will ply their trade at a nearby saloon. Quinn and Don plot to murder Spencer and escape with their lives. Spencer is way ahead of them. The next day, the gals set off in the same stage only to be abducted by the aforementioned monsters...or dog men. 

Yep, the dog men plan to either disembowel, and eat them, or rape them. In non woke movies, men are men. They see a babe damsel and automatically set out to save her. Thus our unlikely trio turns into a posse and follows the tracks of the dog men. What they find will be horrifying. I should talk about a couple of these dancehall dolls. Mary (Laura James) is sultry.  She seems to be the boss.  Quinn and her have a history but we're not sure if Mary wants him to be free or to be hung. Amethyst (Cassi Colvin) comes from a family of witches. She takes a liking to Spencer...and he, of course, to her. We take a liking to all five babes.  The cheesecake in this film is off the chart.  When the trio reaches the dog men and sees what they are doing and are about to do to the beauties, they act like real men.

Guns will be blazing.  Garters and undergarments will get rough workouts.  Gunfights will abound.  Dog men will do what dog men do...and it won't be pretty.  For a terrific western, with outstanding cheesecake, and no woke themes, see "Silent Thunder."

The Cyclops, One-Eyed Monster Loves Gloria Talbott

"In the kingdom of the Blind, the one-eyed man reigns supreme." A high school tennis coach told me that once. However, this Gloria Talbott film sheds some light on that maxim. Perhaps it is not the one-eyed man, but the giant tarantula, or the giant lizard monsters, or the hawk as big as a skyscraper, or the gigantic mouse that reign supreme.  Just like Fay Wray in "King Kong," Gloria Talbott will be the babe in peril.  Today we look at 1957's "The Cyclops," directed by Bert I. Gordon.

Susan (Talbott) is sad. Three years ago, her fiancé Bruce went flying into a sacred and off-limits part of the Mexican mountains and never came back. Everyone knows he's dead but Susan believes him alive and hires a few blokes to go with her and look for him. One of the blokes is Bruce's best friend who now is in love with Susan. Russ (James Craig) is a hunk scientist and is anxious for Susan to move on from Bruce and marry him. Marty (Lon Chaney, Jr.) has funded this mission with an ulterior motive. Marty believes he can strike it rich finding Uranium lodes. Lee (Tom Drake) is the daring pilot. The Mexican government forbids Susan to fly into these mountains but Lee's daring gets the party there anyway. Immediately giant lizards appear...and a giant tarantula...and, well, let's just say all those monsters mentioned above make the search a bit perilous.

Then the cyclops. 25-foot tall with a messed up face in which only one eye remains.  The thing growls and howls and chases Susan and her party into a cave.  Uh oh.  Yep.  Russ and Marty take radiation readings and conclude all life forms have had their pituitary glands messed up. Yep, the living things will just keep growing.  Even scarier, Russ makes a realization about this cyclops.  Is Susan ready to hear his theory?  Yep, you guessed it.

Is one of the reasons that Susan refuses to understand that this 25 foot monster is her husband because having a 25 foot guy in the marital bed with his giant...wait...I withdraw this question.  Is there any hope to rescue Bruce, bring him to New York, and put him on display?  Will Russ finally get lucky with Susan or will she be insistent that her husband is still alive?  Gloria Talbott is sultry and always a pleasure to see on the big screen.  The creature effects are gruesome and scary.  See "The Cyclops" and try to figure out how a 25-foot guy would perform...I didn't say that...stupid auto-correct. 

Deranged, Necrophilia and Graverobbing

"The wages of sin is gonorrhea, syphilis, and death." So we are reminded by Ma Cobb (Cosette Lee) several times in this film.  The old bitty will also tell us all women are whores.  Let's not argue with these points, they do merit serious discussion.  Instead, let us dive into today's film.  This 1974 drive-in classic will disturb you. Yep, one of those films that if one is unstable, it'll push him over the edge to commit heinous acts of depravity.  Fortunately, in 1974, at the drive-ins, most people in the audience were making whoopee instead watching the movie.  Today, however, the insanity and derangement of the main character will remind one of the current occupant of the White House.  Our feature today, "Deranged," directed by Jeff Gillen and Alan Ormsby. Oh!  Tom Savini was a make-up artist for this film.

The unstable Ezra (Roberts Blossom) is devoted to his prudish mother.  She tells him of what evil women will do to him if he looks at them. She dies and he is upset.  Over a year later, Ezra digs his mom up from the grave, brings her back home, and restores her.  Restores her? Yep...he needs fresh skin and new limbs.  What better place to get these items than from currently alive people. Ezra then begins dating.  Hid dates will find themselves dead and contributing to the mother project. Ezra talks to his mom as if she is alive.  Once the deranged date, there is no turning back.  Interestingly enough, his first date, the fat Maureen (Marian Waldman) is just as crazy as him.  Maureen contacts the dead and tries to get the dead to tell Ezra to have deviant sex with her.  She'll die horribly.

Okay, as the film goes on, the kills get heartbreaking and gratuitous.  By the way, the more Ezra dates ugly women, the more he desires true babes.  We'll meet barmaid Mary (Micki Moore) and hardware store clerk Sally (Pat Orr).  What happens to these two, I must warn you, you will never unsee.  Be warned before putting this film on. What else does Ezra do with the dead bodies he's accumulated from his graverobbing?  Do you have to ask?

Is there any chance the lovely Sally or Mary will survive until the end of the movie?  Does Ma Cobb have a point about women?  I mean, is it a good enough point that we should probably debate the merits of her assertions?  In the interest of respecting all views, perhaps Ezra and his mother should be listened to and given a platform.  Sadly, in 1974, Ezra could legitimately be considered an insaniac.  Today, 50 years later, we elect the likes of Ezra to the highest office.  See "Deranged" if you can prepare yourself from some unhealthy imagery. 

Maid Droid Origins, A Kinky Robot Clad in French Maid Lingerie

As soon as the Japanese invent a babe robot that looks just like a woman...well, sayonara all you Women's Studies majors. Guys are done.  At least, more and more. Dating and flirting are akin to rape in today's woke America. Just wait until men can buy a woman who is not "empowered" or "equal." It's coming.  Last year we reviewed "Maid Droid."  Now we have the prequel, 2024's "Maid Droid Origins," also directed by Rich Mallery.

Eve (Katie Kay) is the aforementioned android, created by scientist Timothy (Brian Brewer). As our film begins Eve strangles to death her owner during deviant sex.  Now Eve is on the run and finds her creator. Timothy is shocked.  He has a babe wife, Belle (Cassie Ghersi) and now he has Eve.  Eve has a bond to him, probably because he had sex with her when he first created her.  Just like a woman...can't just move on. Timothy no longer works for the company that makes these babe robots. They fired him when they caught him having sex with Eve.  Since Eve has killed, the company sends two henchmen to collect her. Hence Eddie (Chris Spinelli) and Sam (Emiko Ishii) show up. Eve is not eager to leave and offs the duo. Now Eve has killed three times...or has she? You'll see.

Belle finds a sleeping Eve in the garage and confronts her husband. The two have a kinky dom-sub relationship which has Timothy getting spanked a lot. They also feud a lot. Eve does not feud with Timothy and now Timothy is getting close to Eve. A catfight coming?  Oh yes!  Eve spends most of the film in French maid lingerie, and Belle is often in very kinky underwear or lingerie.  Timothy continues to get spanked.  Eve continues to take over Timothy's affections.  Belle decides to take matters into her own hands in dealing with the homicidal Eve.  But wait!  Yep...more twists! 

Can Eve be programmed, and Belle convinced that threesomes aren't really a bad thing?  Why is Timothy even bothering with Belle when Eve can be programmed to shut up, not nag, and be more deviant on command?  Will Belle spank Eve?  Okay, these are all prurient questions that should be disregarded.  For a film that will raise so many taboo questions, see "Maid Droid Origins."

Psycho Goth Lolita, Christianity vs. Satanism in Japan

Okay...the title alone will decide if you see this film.  Either you say, "Oh, yes!"  Or you say, "Garbage!" A Japanese one with bladed weapons, severed limbs that spurt out endless amounts of blood, and a nubile lass with some grudge. Anime?  Ryona?  Cosplay?  Yep, all those boxes are checked.  In what has to be the magnum opus of Rina Akiyama, in the title role, we have a weird themed Asian horror film.  One that may put forth Christian themes of salvation, atonement, and judgment (throw in forgiveness, too). Judgment?  Did someone say judgment?  Yep, and it will be bloody!  Today we look at 2010's "Psycho Goth Lolita," directed by Go Ohara.

During Yuki's (Akiyama) birthday party with her mom (Fumia Nukajima) and dad (Yurei Yanagi), a hooded gang storms in and crucifies the mom.  They leave both Yuki and her dad for dead.  Both recover but now the dad, Jiro is wheelchair bound. Jiro is a Christian minister and now Yuki is Psycho Goth Lolita.  Adorned in a black leather dress, and black leather boots, she now has a deadly umbrella made by Jiro.  The umbrella is a killing device.  The duo are committed to tracking down the mom's murderers and imposing judgment on them.  One by one, Yuki finds them.  She is a killing machine meting out God's vengeance on the fiends.  The judgments all include elongated fight scenes and incredibly gory kills complete with severed limbs and spurting blood.

Our favorite is the elongated catfight between Yuki and Elle (Misaki Momose) . The two Asian dolls could have fought all day, none of us would have complained. All this leads to a confrontation with Masato (Ruito Aoyagi).  Who is Masato and why did him and his gang crucify Yuki's sweet mother?  Uh oh!  A twist!  One that most of you will see coming.  Now Yuki will be forced to battle her inner demons and keep serving God.  Uh oh, again.  Masato was expecting the lovely warrior.  What Yuki will find will be demonic, shocking, and may spell the end of her and her quest for righteousness.

Can the Japanese population find salvation through this film?  What are Christian themes doing in this Japanese horror film with a young Ryona-type heroine and spurting blood?  Would a leather clad Asian babe serve the seeker sensitive movement nicely?  Get whatever you wish out of this film.  The imagery isn't all orthodox but certainly, our vengeful nymph with the mean umbrella is definitely on a holy crusade.  See "Psycho Goth Lolita" and don't worry about what your book club buddies think of you. 

Alligator 2: The Mutation

Gotta love mutations in our films.  Beats fields of flowers.  Gotta love alligators in our films.  Beats unicorns.   Gotta love dynamite and rocket launchers in our films.  Beats baguettes and Chardonnay.  Gotta love corrupt mayors and shady real estate developers in our films.  Beats former boyfriends and supportive best friends.  Today we have a man's movie!  Our feature today is 1991's "Alligator 2: The Mutation," directed by Jon Hess.

Two blokes diving outside a sewer runoff for fish are eaten by the mutation. Bummer.  Seems Vinnie (Steve Railsback) is a real estate developer trying to inflict his real estate plan on this Florida town.  He corrupts the mayor (Bill Daily). Now cop David (Joseph Bologna) is on the case when some kid finds one of the diver's legs. Yep, was no boating accident.  David sends the leg to the lab where his wife is the scientist.  Christine (Dee Wallace) tells him it was no boating accident.  Now David tries to get the mayor to call off a festive carnival that will be held by the lake.  The mayor refuses and Vinnie tells the mayor to get rid of the persistent cop. The big alligator, feasting on dumped chemicals eats a homeless encampment.

Rookie cop, Rich (Woody Brown) joins David on his quest to find and kill the monster gator.  His GF is the mayor's daughter, Sheri (Holly Gagnier). Vinnie and the mayor call in a renown gator hunter, Hawk (Richard Lynch) and his boys.  They bring dynamite.  David and Rich already tried dynamite...didn't work. Go figure.  Now Hawk and his boys join forces with the cop duo as the babes, Christine and Sheri, try to stay out of the way and still try to appear useful (a metaphor for successful women in America today).  The gator will get hungrier and decide to go to the carnival.  You can see where this is all going.

Will the cop duo or the gator hunter team kill the mutation?  Will Sheri or Christine actually do anything useful in killing the gator or will they wait at home preparing a pot for gator stew?  Will our real estate developer meet a predictable fate or become the ReMax broker of the year?  This is a fun one.  The cast is sensational and it is always good to see a mutation and a gator, never mind if they are combined into one monster!  See "Alligator 2: The Mutation," and know you have added a level of testosterone in your chemical make-up.

You Shouldn't Have Let Me In, American Babes in Italy Shredded by a Vampire

We have an erotic one today.  An erotic vampire one. What makes a movie erotic.  Well, a few things.  The babes have to be sultry and the guys have to be hunks.  The hunks and babes have to engage in deviant and prolonged pre-marital sex.  The gals need some gratuitous lingerie and very tight slinky garments. Stilettos will help. The guys? Six-pack abs and they have to grunt a lot.  A Tubi Original has captured our arousal factor today, 2024's "You Shouldn't Have Let Me In," directed by Dave Parker.

The sultry but shallow social media influencer, Rochelle (Isabella Egizi), is getting married in Italy.  She rents an old Italian villa/mansion for her bachelorette party. Her buddy, the very sultry Jenny (Anastasiya Bogach) is already there and sultry redhead Kelsey (Diana Gardner) has just arrived.  Breanna (Giulia Nunnari), the sultry party girl in the tight party dress and stilettos?  Already eaten by a vampire at the nightclub she was at last night...so sad. Some tenseness seeps into this reunion of the babes here in Italy. Seems Rochelle (who has over a million followers on Instagram) stole her fiancé Richard (David Nurra) from Kelsey. Oh, also arriving is Blake (Nathaniel Ansbach), the gay friend. The party gets going. Then an invite from the owner of the villa, Victor (Fabian Castro). He's a vampire, but the gals don't know it yet. Meet at a trendy nightclub...the same one Breanna was eaten at.

The booming Techno Rock seems to hypnotize these gals to some semi-lesbian behavior.  There, Victor, the vampire, sets his eyes on Kelsey and entrances her.  He convinces the gals to invite him and his vampire henchmen back to the villa. There, Kelsey will have deviant sex with Victor, Rochelle and Jenny will share some lesbian passion, but not before sex with the two henchmen.  Now Victor moves in to change Kelsey.  How does this go?  Ha!  You'll see. Oh, Blake!  The gay guy!  Guess who else is gay. The sacred knight who's life's mission it is to slay vampires, Dario (Riccardo Angelini). Quite the hunk too, though not a great sacred knight.  It is difficult to find good sacred knights in Europe since the formation of the EU.  There will be passionate pre-marital sex.  Deviant sex.  Lingerie peeled off and thrown across the room. Babes running in stilettos fleeing bloodsuckers. Blood. Throat cuttings. Throats ripped out.

Will Victor be able to turn Kelsey into his vampire bride?  Will Rochelle shed her materialism and narcissism and help save Kelsey from the entrancing vampire?  Why does Tubi or Hollywood seem allergic to making movies with such high babe-factors?  Well, this one has the cheesecake and beefcake which movies of late seem to avoid.  For some erotic bloodsucking, see "You Shouldn't Have Let Me In."  

Flesh Eaters, Cannibalistic Mutants in the Swamp

Cannibalistic mutants in the swamp!  A mad scientist! A babe searches for her missing babe sister! Extra-marital sex! A green, long-toothed monster!  Okay, this one is less than low-budget.  Perhaps it is a C film instead of a B film.  Whatever the budget, this one is infinitely better than the crap that is "Star Wars" and "Mandalorian" idiocy.  It is also a far more attractive thing than Taylor Swift.  Today we look at the James Ian Mair film, 2022's "Flesh Eaters."

As the film begins a babe wandering into the swamp is torn to pieces and eaten by mutant Akro (Benjamin Mair). Fast forward, Bella (Tara Bixler) is screwing her sister's hubby, Brandon (Jed Brian). The sister, Emma (Jordan Leigh Wheatley) is a nice gal but suspects her husband is messing around. Bella and her buddy, Gretchen (Sunny King), then go into the swamp to attend a party. Everyone at the party has been ripped apart by Akro, but this mutant captures Gretchen and Bella and brings him back to the lab where Dr. Trenton (Jeff Angel) turns people into these cannibalistic green mutants. He does this to Gretchen and soon he will do it to Bella.

Emma and Brandon trudge into the swamp and almost get murdered by Akro. A scientist, Jack (Grant Karazsia), investigating these murders, saves them. Now Akro goes back to the lab. Oh!  Bella does become a mutant and will strangle the nurse (Jamie Angel) with a human intestine.  The final confrontation is inevitable.  Not only when Jack and Emma meet the mad scientist and the mutants, but also when Emma confronts Brandon about him boinking her sister. Bodily organs will be ripped out and tossed about and eaten. A mad scientist will inject glowing green fluid into helpless babes.  Brandon will get what he deserves.

Will a catfight occur between Emma and Bella?  Will Akro find love with one of these babes?  Will an army of these mutants be able to defeat the Houthis or the Taliban?  This is a good one with some cheesecake and gore.  For a terrific C movie effort, see the very fun "Flesh Eaters."