Saturday, April 10, 2021

Guest Review: Velocipastor from Steve at Misfits and Mysteries

I’m excited to write a guest blog about one of my all-time favorite B-movies, the Velocipastor.  A little background about myself.  I’m Steve from the Misfits and Mysteries Podcast and Blog.  We’re a podcast that explores all things weird and wacky from cryptids, folklore, and aliens to history and psychology and everything in-between.  I’m also a huge fan of low budget horror films and have been since highschool.  Some of my favorites are Troll 2, Bigfoot the Movie, and the Velocipastor.  We were lucky enough to actually interview Brendan Steere, writer and director of the Velocipastor on our podcast so hopefully this review isn’t too biased.

What I love most about The Velocipastor is how self-aware the film is.  The movie budget was only around $30,000 and Brendan Steere prioritized quality actors who could deliver silly lines with a straight face over special effects, filming locations, and a serious tone and it paid off.  From the opening scene, you know exactly what this movie is and it’s clear the movie is fully self-aware.  It’s easily one of the funniest low budget movies I have ever seen. 

The film starts off with a bang, literally, when Doug’s family gets blown up by a car bomb outside of his church.  I don’t want to spoil one of the funniest uses of a VFX explosion in film history, just know it’s comedy gold.  Doug then takes a trip to China to clear his head and while running through what were clearly the woods of Pennsylvania, he comes across a woman who's been attacked by ninjas.  She gives him a dinosaur tooth which cuts his hand and gives him the power of a Velociraptor.

Doug returns to America and reclaims his position as pastor at his local church.  That night, Doug keeps having nightmares and decides to go for a walk on a dark park at night, where he saves Carol, a hooker/law student/doctor, from a mugging by turning into a dinosaur and eating the mugger.  The next day, Doug wakes up naked in Carol's bed thinking he slept with her and broke his godly vows.  She explains to him that they didn’t have sex, but he did turn into a velociraptor and kill her mugger.  Carol tries to convince Doug to use his new found powers to fight crime, but he refuses.

Doug goes back to his priestly duties and forgets about his dinosaur powers.  Until Frankie Mermaid, the scumbag who killed his parents comes into confession and brags about killing them and generally being an awful dude.  Doug gets so enraged that he turns into a dinosaur and kills Frankie Mermaid.  He then shows up at Carol's apartment and decides he wants to become a crime fighting half dinosaur half pastor vigilante.  After a long montage of Doug and Carol beating up some bad guys, and working out, Doug is confronted by Father Stewert, where he regretfully tells him about his newfound dinosaur powers.

Father Stewart takes Doug to get an exorcism and bad things follow.  The evil drug dealing ninja’s show up again in America and this time kidnap Father Stewert.  Are Doug and Carol able to save the day?  What do the evil ninjas want with the church?  You’re going to have to watch this wonderful film to find out!  It’s available on Amazon Instant Video.

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