It's the 10th one, but nowhere near the last. 2001's "Jason X." My very favorite "Friday the 13th" film. I know devotees of this horror franchise look at this film as heresy. Perhaps it's the gritty realism, or the various metaphorical devices that relate to our own journeys, or perhaps sultry space babes, but for whatever reason, this film has always spoken to me. There are those voices again.
Lexa Doig, Space Babe
In 2010, at the Crystal Lake Research Facility, the beautiful Dr. Rowan (Lexa Doig) is about to put Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) in a cryogenic sleep. Uh oh, David Cronenberg (yep, that David Cronenberg) arrives and screws everything up. In short, Jason escapes his binds, kills everyone and wounds Rowan. Rowan then sends Jason and herself into cryogenic lala-land. The world ends and we jump forward 450 years. Both Rowan and Jason are hauled aboard a research lab space craft with lots of beautiful space babes and space hunks on board. Rowan is thawed out and Jason is believed to be frozen beyond hope....wrong! When awoken, Rowan implores the crew to get rid of Jason as he never dies and will always be a homicidal maniac. They should've listened.
Adrienne still with face
A sultry doctor, Adrienne (Kristi Angus) starts examining Jason in her lab. So sad, as the very pretty Adrienne will have her face knocked off by the returning monster. As Jason reanimates, he goes through space babes and hunks, most of them while engaging in pre-marital sex, and a security team like crap through a goose. Rowan teams up with a beautiful android (Lisa Ryder) and a few surviving babes and hunks to figure out how to survive the ultimate killing machine. Space weapons, virtual reality, and Rowan's spunk may not be enough to prevail, unfortunately. Equipped with his machete, body parts will fly, and damsels will run in horror.
Space babe android
Will 25th century babes and hunks have enough wisdom and technology to defeat Jason Voorhees? Will the well equipped android present a peculiar threat to the fiend? Is Jason Voorhees merely a metaphor of unsolved evils of the past bubbling up in present day to continue bloody havoc? Space ships will collide, limbs will fly, the beautiful will die horrible deaths, and Jason will wreak evil carnage. Directed by James Isaac ( Skinwalkers ), "Jason X" is a terrific horror/scifi film and perhaps a ominous peek into our future.
The evil clown scare that has spread through North America and Europe continues to gather steam. Our fears of these clowns are largely stirred by our over-active imaginations. Even FBI offices have been compelled to give statements on this mysterious menace. David DeCoteau, who has brought us a few Puppetmaster films, has crafted a tale of a 12 inch, perverted clown who goes through coeds like crap through a goose. Today we look at his film, 2016's "Sorority Slaughterhouse."
Whitman (Eric Roberts), a dean of a college, has just been dumped by a sorority sister. He then blows his own brains out, but his soul jumps into a 12 inch toy clown, crafted by a voodoo priestess (...don't ask). Dean Whitman, now Bobo the clown, then descends on Delta Pi Sorority for bloody revenge. Whitman was a pervert, but as a mini clown, his ability to see naked coeds is maximized. Uh oh, whenever aroused, Bobo turns into a killing machine. Every coed in this sorority is stunning, and all engage in activities that arouse Bobo, such as making out with hunks, skinny dipping, pre-marital sex, sensual scented baths, and masturbating.
Our coeds are at a huge disadvantage. Allie (Jessica Morris) is busy with her occult interests. Fawn (Jean Louise O'Sullivan) is pursuing hunk Marcus (Anthony Caravella). Nina (Alexia Quinn) is writing a porn/romance novel. Victoria (Kelli Seymour) is busy being a B@#&H. Kitty (Brianna Joy Chomer), who is first to go, likes scented baths. The mini-perve then wanders around finding whichever coed is doing something sexually alluring. Drano, balloons, a vibrator (...actually Bobo himself acts as a very deadly vibrator), knives and ropes all assist our monster in offing the coeds and their hunks.
Which sorority sister had an affair with Whitman? Will at least the clean cut sister, who refrains from sexual immorality, survive? Wait, none of them do much refraining. Is the twelve inch clown a metaphor for something much larger...say the misogynistic flavor of many of our top universities? Okay, maybe not. Either way, as Halloween and a massive onslaught of evil clowns approach, "Sorority Slaughterhouse" is the perfect film to watch. The DVD is reasonably priced, and the cast is great looking, even as corpses.
The last time this blog featured the beautiful Starr Andreeff, she was raped by a gargoyle creature and killed when the gargoyle spawn exploded out of her belly. Roger Corman did not, I'm afraid, give her a dignified demise, see my review of The Terror Within . In 1990's "Syngenor," Mr. Corman was not associated with this production, but fierce gargoyle type creatures still pursue Ms. Andreeff. Will she emerge from this film with virtue, and unsoiled by creatures?
Norton Cyberdine (NC), a defense contractor, has produced the ultimate weapon to replace humans on the battlefield, the Synthesized Genetic Organism (Syngenor). An evil, but sultry executive, Paula (Riva Spier) conspires to set one loose on Los Angeles in order to prove they are ready. This first Syngenor takes apart a couple of skanks and NC's public affairs director before murdering it's creator. When it kills it's creating scientist, his niece Susan (Andreeff) manages to escape the attack. The NC CEO, Carter Brown (David Gale), who is an addict, and quite insane, then plots with Paula to release all the Syngenors. The lovely Susan teams up with a reporter, Nick (Mitchell Laurance) to find out why her uncle was killed. These two will fall in love and have pre-marital sex.
As the slimy soldiers of the future wreak havoc on NC personnel, Paula makes a play on Brown for control of of the company. However scheming and seductive Paula is, she doesn't figure on Brown's growing insanity. As Susan and Nick penetrate NC space they witness unspeakable horror as the Syngenors shred some pretty young receptionists (including William Shatner's daughter) and the NC security force on their way to the L.A. streets.
Can Nick and Susan stop the fighting machine of the 21st century? Will a Syngenor also have pre-marital sex with the lovely Susan? What does the femme fatale Paula have in mind for NC, Brown, and the Syngenors? The ending will be a wild one and Brown's decreasing hold on reality will add to the gore and carnage. Good luck finding "Syngenor," as I had to order the DVD, which was reasonably priced on Amazon. You'll have to watch the entire film, as I won't tell you if the perky and nubile Susan is impregnated by one of the fiends.
Sultry. Smart. Elegant. Drop dead gorgeous. Tatiana, a Colombian beauty. From the outset of Christopher Alan Broadstone's novella "A Catch in Time" our mouths are agape with lust for this vixen. Uh oh, just like Edgar Allan Poe, beautiful women don't fare well in Broadstone works. Could Tatiana be different? She is strong of will and independent. As our tale begins, she is staying at a resort hotel in the Colombian mountains. Today, that same resort is one of the most haunted sites in South America, perhaps because of stories like this.
Tatiana is escaping. Her family and impending marriage are now her tormentors. With her whole future seemingly undone, the horrors of 1938 also converge on her. World War 2 has yet to begin, but National Socialist horror is sweeping the globe in full force. Colombia is far enough away to avoid all these horrors. Wrong! As Tatiana battles her Catholicism and divine questions about her eternal destination, Hitler's SS devil, Hess, arrives. We find out the reason for his arrival, but more importantly, Tatiana will now be battling the most evil regime in history.
Poor Tatiana, her dealings with the SS couldn't have gone any worse as our novella progresses. Then the unthinkable happens. Perhaps a divine punishment for what she was contemplating, or fate's twisted reminder that no one will escape the evils of the Third Reich, but Tatiana will be tormented by the most evil elements of that horrific and bleak period of world history. Not just tanks and SS fiends, but the dark recesses of the supernatural have a terrifying torture and torment in store for our heroine.
Will the spirited Tatiana, now with nothing to lose, have any fight left in her bout with darkness? Why has the supernatural teamed up with the Nazis and taken over Tatiana's life? Oh yes, the horrors that are in store for Tatiana are poignant metaphors for the Nazi atrocities and reign of terror. Whatever gumption and spite make up our desperate damsel will have to be on display if Tatiana preserves an eternal blessing. Whether a chance at redemption, or a cruel preview of Hell, Tatiana's predicament is blood curdling. No more spoilers, but for a horrific read with sensational literary motifs of the Nazi horror, "A Catch in Time" is a novella you must read. To order this novella click on the following link A Catch in Time
Those of us who have tried it know it isn't worth the trouble. Sure, enslaving every man and woman on the Earth to obey our every command might seem like a good idea. In reality, this quest will introduce us to the reality that there are a lot of stupid and annoying people in the world. However, if you are a vampire, the stupid and annoying can serve as your buffet line while the beautiful women can all share the coffin with you. This is the quest of the German vampire, Count Frankenhausen. Let us examine, from Mexico, 1962's "The Bloody Vampire" (aka "El Vampiro Sagriento").
After fleeing Europe, Count Frankenhausen (Carlos Agosti), an arrogant vampire with lots of babe vampire brides arrives in Mexico to begin his conquest of the world. I know, let him have it. Back to the plot. Too bad for him, the Count de Cagliastro has also moved his family to Mexico. Of course, neither of these clans blend. The mission of the de Cagliastro clan, through centuries, is to rid the world of vampires. As Frankenhausen goes through Mexican senoritas like crap through a goose, the de Cagliastro team acts. The beautiful Anna (Begona Palacios) infiltrates the Frankenhausen castle undercover as a servant. Because she is so pretty, Frankenhausen desires her for his bride. Her fiance, a doctor named Riccardo (Raul Farell) also infiltrates the castle, undercover as the Countess' personal doctor.
As Count Valsamo de Caglistro (Antonio Raxel), the patriarch of his clan, experiments with herbs and fresh corpses to find something to kill vampires, Anna and Riccardo continue their efforts inside the fiend's mansion. With only traditional means of vampire hunting, are our lovebirds any match for for Frankenhausen and his allies? As Mexican beauties are drained of blood at an alarming rate, will the good folks of that great country turn xenophobic against more immigration from Germany? Did this 1962 film have a hand in all but ending any German immigration into Mexico?
In this short write-up, many key characters and subplots were ignored. This film has so many other creepy elements that were omitted here in the interest of space. Grave robbing, a mad scientist type lab, a torture chamber with gruesome happenings, ghostly images of a surreal Mexico are all included in this film. Once again, our Mexican amigos have made an outstanding vampire film, "El Vampiro Sangriento," (directed by Miguel Morayta) which is available on YouTube.
Hundreds of millions of people die each year. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could bring them all back? Okay, maybe not. Whenever the dead return, carnage follows. Still, we have to love all those scientists, who without government grants, figure out ways to bring back our dearly departed. In 1983's "Zeder" (aka "Revenge of the Dead") a scientific team joins forces with some fallen clergy and academia to do just that.
Stafano (Gabriele Lavia), a writer and first class schmuck gets an anniversary gift from his lovely wife, Alessandra (Anne Canovas). Alessandra is beautiful and pure, and since this is an Italian horror film, has "I WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH" emanating from her every movement. An electric typewriter.....used (they are on a tight budget). Stefano quickly needs to replace the ribbon and examines the words typed from the old ribbon. Wouldn't you know it...the typewriter's previous owner wrote a lot about bringing back the dead and certain grounds that were fertile for doing this. Now Stefano has inspiration for his new book and begins investigating....big mistake. He traces the typewriter to a defrocked priest, who appears to be deceased. His investigations captures the attention of some very weird people.
Stefano finds out that experiments in 1956 by Paolo Zeder reveal that certain K-Zones exist which are special places in Europe where corpses can return to life. Stefano grabs the naive, and stunning Alessandra and heads to Chartres, France to the place where these 1956 experiments took place. Uh oh, the experiments did not end in 1956 and the scientists don't want anyone snooping on them. As ghouls come to life in a homicidal fashion, Stefano gets too close for his own good. Science meets the occult and what happens next will make Stefano wish his wife gave him a necktie for their anniversary.
Will the gorgeous and nubile Alessandra survive her husband's demented curiosity? Sadly, that question is an easy one to answer. Is Paolo Zeder dead? To what end is our team of scientists and weirdos bringing back the dead? Fans of Stephen King's Pet Sematary will figure out where this one is going. For some ominous and grim Italian horror, directed by Pupi Avati, see "Zeder" which is available on YouTube as "Revenge of the Dead."
In today's technology age, we have lost so many valuable skills. Head shrinking is just one of those lost necessities. Sure, we can send nude pictures of ourselves to Asia, instantly....but we no longer have the ability to decapitate old friends, shrink their heads, and display those trophies on our bookshelves. Perhaps a revival of 1959's "The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake" will help us recapture that art.
Jonathan Drake (Eduard Franz) has a problem. Generations ago, Amazonian Indians cursed his family. Every male heir would die at the age of 60. Not just die, paralyzed by curare poison and then decapitated. But wait, there's more! The skulls would be sent back to the family and the remnants of their heads would be shrunken trophies. Uh oh...Drake's brother dies as the film opens, and this fate plays out. Double uh oh...Drake is about to turn 60. Enter the weird archaeologist, Dr. Emil Zurich (Henry Daniell), who just happens to be the world's most renown expert on shrinking heads.
As Drake quakes in fear, his beautiful daughter, Alison (Valerie French) teams up with Detective Rowan (Grant Richards) to get to the bottom of the theft of the brother's head. As an ultra weird Amazonian Indian (Paul Wexler) stalks Jonathan, Det. Rowan makes some startling discoveries about the family curse and Dr. Zurich. We are treated to some graphic scenes in which Dr. Zurich takes us through the process of creating shrunken heads....is he related to the curse?
Will Jonathan succumb to a centuries old curse? Will the fair Alison be in peril as she attempts to solve the mystery of the stolen corpse heads, and save her dad? What is Dr. Zurich's relationship to the curse, and is he working with immortal Amazonians? Directed by Edward L. Cahn, this is a neat mystery/thriller which will have you wincing. There'll be plenty of decapitations and head-shrink-ology in this one. Available on YouTube, don't lose your head over "The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake."
At AOK sorority, not all is a-okay. True, we will not find a sorority with better looking coeds, but by the end of 1988's "Fatal Pulse" most of them will be corpses. The demise of sorority sisters is a popular theme on this blog. Not even the caped Captain Marvelous can save some pretty young ladies (you won't believe this plot twist). In fairness, these ladies exhibit serious judgment issues beyond engaging in pre-marital sex, and our slasher has an easy time of his pursuit.
The sultry, white lingerie clad Stephanie's(Kitty) attempt to seduce Jeff (Ken Roberts) is rejected, as he wants his ex-GF back. Our seductress is then strangled with her own silk stocking and her dead body is raped. So our film opens. Jeff, who is creepy, is our main suspect. Lisa (Michelle McCormick), who is a beauty, is the ex-GF. Stephanie's demise has all the gals at AOK a bit tense, but not too tense. Carol (Sky Nicholas) will be the next to fall, as her throat is cut by the shard of a record. As Jeff continues to emerge as either a homicidal psycho, or at least a full fledged creep, Lisa takes him back and they engage in pre-marital sex. Then Sheila (Maureen O'Hanlon) is drowned in the AOK bathtub.
There are other suspects; Ernie (Joe Estevez), the weird AOK maintenance man, who loves to spy on the coeds through their bedroom windows, seems to be the best bet. Then of course Professor Caldwell (Alex Courtney) who may not have recaptured his sanity after his wife's death seems a likely possibility. Then Cassie (Cindra Hidgdon) is electrocuted as she is stripped and hung in a shower by our fiend. Jeff, knowing he is the prime suspect, begins an attempt to catch the killer. His plans for this are silly and usually end in embarrassment. As Karen (Christy Mucciante) is grabbed, stripped, and encased in a plaster cast, AOK may run out of coeds before our monster is found.
Will Jeff or the police catch the killer before Lisa is skewered? Even if Jeff isn't the killer, will the makers of "Fatal Pulse" do us a favor and kill him off? Does Captain Marvelous' appearance enhance the plot or detract from the serious nature of a vicious slasher film? Yep, the beautiful die horribly and the handsome hunks show their stupidity in this film. Available in VHS tape quality on YouTube, "Fatal Pulse" is a slasher film that, at very least, has some great kills and a great looking queue of lady victims.
Clad in black leather, Rhona Mitra says to Scott Adkins, "They tell me you like punishment." Mr. Adkins replies, "You're not my type." To which Ms. Mitra replies, in an offended manor, "I'm everyone's type." I gotta agree with her. In what may be termed as a demented version of "The Quiet Man," 2016's "Hard Target 2" has so much going for it. For us guys, Rhona Mitra in leather with a crossbow. For you gals, Scott Adkins, his abs, and will to survive.
After killing his best friend in a UFC type fight in Vegas, Wes (Adkins), stricken with guilt, heads to Thailand. Now in an underground circuit, our protagonist continues fighting. He catches the attention of ex-CIA renegade, Aldrich (Robert Knepper). Aldrich makes him an offer he can't refuse. For a million dollars, Wes believes he's signing up for one more fight. Aldrich has something else in mind. He lures Wes into the jungle and assembles several hunters who have paid lots of dough to hunt human prey. The most colorful of these psychos is Sofia (Mitra) who loves crossbows and leather. With a two minute head start, the game is quickly on.
As Wes has some close calls, he begins picking off the hunters. The hunters are armed with M16s, crossbows, RPGs, and pistols. Sofia and Wes do meet up, and Wes knocks the snot out of her. The femme fatale escapes, however. Wes befriends a lovely elephant herder, Tha (Ann Truong). Tha's brother was hunted six months earlier and she helps Wes toward the border. Uh oh, Adkins is a step ahead of these two soon-to-be lovebirds. So is Sofia, as she desires a rematch. Now Adkins tells his surviving hunters that Tha is fair game also. Now saddled with a beautiful elephant herder, does Adkins have a chance to outwit the psycho CIA cast-out? Does he have a chance at redemption for killing his best buddy? Will Tha and Sofia engage in a cat-fight? The answer to this third question is yes, and in surprisingly vicious fashion, I may add.
Some may say this film is stupid and hokey. Perhaps, but it is still a lot of fun and a lot more intellectual than those stupid superhero films like "Thor" and "Iron Man." Mr. Adkins and Ms. Mitra are terrific on the screen and play their characters well. Shot in Thailand, the scenery in "Hard Target 2" (directed by Roel Reine) is beautiful. If the dialog contained in the first paragraph appeals to you, this is a film you need to see. This action thriller is available on Netflix.
Go ahead, eat plants. Don't be surprised, however, if they decide to eat you. We keep them in pots, or a confined garden, but our plant friends may decide to roam, and eat. I guess that is only fair. We eat them, they eat us. One of my favorite Creature Feature films was 1967's "Maneater of Hydra" (aka "Island of the Doomed"). After all, the thirst for human blood spans all of nature. This film from Spain stars Cameron Mitchell in his finest performance.
After many of it's citizens were found with their blood drained, the citizens of Hydra fled. Fearing vampires, these scared townspeople left a weird Baron (Mitchell) as the only resident of the island. The Baron is pleased to be left alone. He is a botanist and scientifically engineers new species of carnivorous plants. Most of these green things feast on mice, except for the Baron's most treasured creation....a huge vampire plant which feasts on human blood. Six tourists will find this out the hard way as they pay the Baron a visit.
The maneater goes right to work. After the tour guide is drained, a Sophia Loren look-a-like, Cora (Kai Fischer) is next. Cora is a loose women with extra-marital sex on her mind. Her search for it will not go well. Like the guide, Cora will have all her blood sucked out through her once stunning face. The Baron, unbeknownst to his guests, assists the plant in it's quest for human blood. As more guests succumb to the vampire plant, the fair Beth (Elisa Montes) and hunk David (George Martin) fall in love. Will the ever decreasing number of tourists figure out that their host plans to add them to a macabre buffet? Will the fair Beth be spared a horrible fate, or will her new hunk beau have to save her? Will the evil Baron prevail, or end up fed to his own creation?
Not a traditional bloodsucker, but our green antagonist is just as horrific. Perhaps predictable, this horror film benefits from a great performance by Cameron Mitchell as the demented and evil Baron. Slimy green things that capture and suck you dry may not be a threat in our home gardens, but for guests of a mad scientist....be very afraid.
It's here! My latest book, Cinema of Vampires. Fans of this blog, which began in the fall of 2013, have enjoyed almost 600 reviews. Now, all of the reviews of vampire films have been compiled in one book. Count Yorga, Dracula, and BloodRayne are finally together, with dozens of other vampire flicks. This book is now available on Amazon by clicking this link Cinema of Vampires .
Priced under $5.00, this book would make the perfect Christmas...well....perhaps Halloween gift. If you have friends who have never perused Zisi Emporium for B Movies, buy them this book. Whether you like your bloodsucker suave like Christopher Lee, or seductive like Natassia Malthe, their all in this book. Enjoy.
Exactly what is a victim-less crime? To the victim, there is no such thing. To the perpetrator? He would suggest if the potential victim isn't hurt and no money is taken. What if the perpetrator isn't the pillar of sanity in our society? Perhaps the perpetrator has a frame of reference that extends beyond our known world, and into the after-life. Now that question becomes complicated. When schmucks don't intend for anyone to get hurt, one can be sure a bloodbath is imminent. However sweet and harmless Myra (Kim Stanley) and Billy (Richard Attenborough) seem, their well meaning foray into crime is headed for a deadly conclusion. Hence 1964's "Seance on a Wet Afternoon."
Myra wears the pants in this household. Billy is brow beaten and has no cajones. His asthma prevents him from working and Myra is quick to remind him how much he needs her and how she has all the brains in their relationship. Myra is a medium (she contacts the dead). Myra is convinced her abilities are real and believes she and Billy should be properly compensated by society. The plan: Kidnap Amanda (Judith Donner), the 10 year old daughter of a rich couple. Part two, Myra will offer her services to the Claytons (Mark Eden and Nanette Newman) and use seances to help the cops find Amanda. Brilliant! What could go wrong?
The kidnapping succeeds. Billy has second thoughts and wants to return the girl. They keep the girl in Arthur's room and make Amanda think it is a hospital. Wait! Who is Arthur? Ahhh, the deceased child of Myra and Billy who now is Myra's guide on the "other side." Everything appears to be going to plan. The cops are suspicious but Myra is cool. Mrs. Clayton even comes to the house, not realizing Amanda is drugged in an upstairs room. No spoilers here, but weirdness sets into the plot. Is Myra a legitimate medium? What is the backstory on Arthur? As Myra's sanity sails into the netherworld, we gauge that Amanda's life may be in peril.
Myra's sanity and Billy's ability to listen to his own conscience are central to this plot. Though we don't see much of the cops, it is apparent that they are on this case and doing a good job. Myra's final seance is heartbreaking, if not horrifying as awful truths are revealed. This film pops up on Bravo or TCM, and is available in good quality on YouTube. Creepy, and uncomfortable, treat yourself to "Seance on a Wet Afternoon," directed by Bryce Forbes.
Janet Gunn was a stewardess for almost seven years and also our favorite Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. In 1991 she portrayed Cassie, the most sultry police detective ever on TV, in USA Networks "Silk Stalkings." In 1997 Ms. Gunn starred in "The Nurse" as a stunning damsel stalked by the beautiful but deadly nurse played by Lisa Zane. Perhaps a minor thriller, but with the promise of a cat-fight between these two beauties....well...."The Nurse" has merit.
Stressed out Nurse Laura (Zane) has had a bad day and it's about to get worse. Her dad blows his own brains out, but not before murdering Laura's mother and brother. Laura blames Bob Martin (Michael Fairman) for this as he heads a defense company which left Laura's dad out to dry to be prosecuted. Uh oh...Bob doesn't take the news of the tragedy well and has a stroke rendering him completely paralyzed and unable to communicate. Bob is totally aware of what is going on around him and will require 24 hour care by a live-in nurse. The psycho opportunist that she is, Laura murders Bob's nurse, finds a new identity and gets herself hired by the Martins' to care for Bob around the clock.
The Martins' are captivated by Laura, especially Bob's very handsome son Jack (John Stockwell). As Laura taunts Bob about how she will kill his family members one by one, she beds Jack. Oh yeah...Jack's soon to be ex wife, the very pretty Brooke (Sherrie Rose)? Laura guns her down. The only obstacle Laura has is Bob's lovely daughter Karen (Gunn). She is suspicious of Laura from the outset. Karen jogs a lot and twice jogged up on Laura just after she committed homicide. With the sweaty but fit Karen suspicious and beginning to check Laura's resume, our psycho begins her carnage on the Martin family.
Will Karen figure out who Laura really is in time to save her dad and brother? Does Bob have any moves left which could alert his family of their impending doom? Who would you wager on in the exciting Karen vs. Laura cat-fight (...I won't tell you which one has the big knife and which one has the gun). With a great looking cast and a fair amount of carnage, "The Nurse" is a nice thriller available on YouTube.
1989's "The Freeway Maniac" would be more aptly titled "The Chainsaw Psycho vs. Space Babes." Four sultry space babes are beset upon by slimy alien creatures, flesh eating zombies, and Arthur....our maniac. Not all will survive. Is this what "The Freeway Maniac" is about? Yes! Well... perhaps in a matter of speaking. On our way to the space babes, Arthur will murder 26 schmucks. Even for slasher films, this is a formidable number.
Before we head to the future, off to the past we go. As a child Arthur (James Jude Courtney) grabs a big knife and kills his mom and her lover while they are having extra-marital sex. Arthur spends the next several years in an insane asylum until he murders a bunch of orderlies and a pretty nurse and escapes. He immediately goes on another homicide spree, but when he gets to an actress, Linda (Loren Winters), she gets away and helps the cops capture him. Unemployed actress Linda now is a hot commodity as her heroics are front page news. She gets cast in a C scifi film, "Astronette." She'll don a skin tight suit, be furnished a laser, and given three other astronettes to command. Uh oh, Arthur reads about this new budding starlet from his cell, and in another murderous rage, escapes.
Now free again, Arthur heads to the movie set, which is in the middle of the desert. Linda is busy fighting off creatures during the filming of "Astronette," and doesn't have time to realize Arthur has escaped. As Arthur converges on the set he'll use scorpions, a chainsaw, a spear, as he spills much blood on the way to Linda's jugular.
Will our babe astronette survive the alien creatures, zombies, and Arthur? Will someone actually make "Astronette" in real life...I need to see that film? This is a vicious film as we see all of Arthur's 26 kills in 93 minutes. Available in poor VHS tape quality on YouTube, it is time a BluRay is made of this lost 1980s classic, which was directed by Paul Winters.
Made for $25,000 in a warehouse in Sacramento, 2011's "Planet of the Vampire Women" is a much better film than any of the "Star Wars" films. Primarily, every babe in this film is hotter than any women in the "Star Wars" films. A brief summary of today's feature...space babes, often nude, and often covered in blood, fighting bloodsucking hotties. Mutant creatures, giant space insects, vampires, and doomsday bombs will play havoc with some sexy space pirates...who could ask for more?
A group of space pirates robs an intergalactic casino. Unfortunately, the hit got violent and a lot of blood was splattered, usually over nude women. Captain Richards (Paquita Estrada) leads our babe pirates and commands their ship on a getaway romp. Her crew consists of first mate, and former marine, Ginger (Liesel Hanson)....a pleasure clone, Astrid (Stephanie Hyden)...Automatic Jones (Keith Letl), a cyborg...Pepper Vance (Ashley Marino)...Miranda (Danielle Williams), a junkie biker chick...and a few more. Pursuing them is cop, Val Falco (Jawara Duncan). Both Falco and our gals crash land on a mysterious moon where Cpt. Richards is turned into a vampire by a mysterious beam.
Richards then starts biting the babes on her crew and flees the ship. Falco and the gals team up to look for Richards and some missing babes. As Astrid and Falco fall in love, and to Astrid's demise, let their guard down, the vampires pick off the girls one by one. As some sultry space babes get killed by monsters or turned into vamps, Falco and the surviving babes learn the secret of this barren moon. Now our survivors race against a doomsday clock to see to the destruction of the lady vamps, and prevent them from travelling to Earth.
Will our great looking protagonists survive this horror? Shouldn't pleasure clones be a more often used plot device in modern science fiction? Will Earth babes be spared the carnage our femme-pirates are enduring? This film, directed by Darin Wood, has more eroticism and pleasure than Mario Bava's "Planet of the Vampires." For an alluring and fast paced horror/action/scifi epic, enjoy "Planet of the Vampire Women," available on YouTube.
Let us head back to the 1970s drive-in. 1972's "I Dismember Mama" was a staple at these motorized movie complexes. Opinions may differ on the artistic merit of this film, but the title is one of the best. The original title was "Poor Albert and Little Annie," which sounded too much like a Disney title. What follows the new title is a vicious rape and torture fest which we avoid discussing in intellectual circles.
The opening scene is an extremely vicious one. Watching porn in his insane asylum room, Albert (Zooey Hall) is interrupted by a nurse (Elaine Partnow). When she confiscates the films, Albert pummels her, rips her uniform off, and almost rapes her. Our psycho is committed in this asylum because he tried to kill his mom (Joanne Moore Jordan) and believes all women are whores. Next, Albert will kill an orderly and escape. The cops are called and Albert's mother is moved to a safe house.
Albert arrives at his mom's mansion and finds only her maid, Alice (Marlene Tracy). Our monster humiliates this poor soul at knife point, tortures her, rapes and kills her. Shortly after Alice's demise, her 11 year old daughter, Annie (Geri Reischl) arrives home. With Alice's corpse still warm, Albert abducts her by telling her that her mom is out and he is supposed to care for her. Cute Annie has no clue and Albert takes her to parks and ultimately to the bridal suite at a hotel. We see Albert lust after this girl and are given hints of what he wants to do to her. Albert's perverted and homicidal deeds aren't done, but will Annie fall victim to his delusion? Will Albert ever get to dismembering his mama?
Lurid and taboo, "I Dismember Mama"was a drive in favorite in the 1970s. Directed by Paul Leder, and gratuitous in it's kill and rape scenes, this is not a film to bring up for discussion with polite and refined company. If you are curious, this film can be found on YouTube.
...and all over South Korea. Yep, forget about an invasion from the North Koreans, our friends below the 38th parallel have something more ominous to fret over. For critics of modern day zombie flicks, you should know that this film does have soap operatic elements which detract from the horror story. However, there are some really great scenes, large in scope, epic in delivery, and they will have you on the edge of your seats! For all of you who have played with toy train sets, or Thomas the Tank Engine cars...2016's "Train to Busan" is for you!
A formerly pretty train conductor
A leak at a factory causes the dead to come back...nothing new here. These dead are vicious and turn rapidly. Seok Woo (Yoo Gong) is a fund manager who has neglected his family. He plans to take his cute five year old daughter, Soo-an (Soo-an Kim) on a train to Busan to see his ex-wife. As they leave town, the outbreak starts. Uh oh, one of the infected gets on the train and then the infection goes through the cars like crap through a goose. The zombification of the passengers is fast, and soon Seok Woo and Soo-an team up with Sang Wa (Dong-seok Ma) and his pregnant wife Sung Gyeong (Yu-mi Jeong).
A formerly living army unit
Let us skip the drama part of the story, and focus only on the horror. The zombies quickly outnumber the living, and the living are decreasing. The train passes through towns that are completely overrun. When they get word that the military has secured one city, our protagonists witness a zombie army unit waiting for them. Faint hope exists that Busan, their destination, may be safe. Exploding trains, a zombie train (you'll see what this is), and thousands of the fastest zombies to hit the silver screen will make this a train trip our protagonists will not forget...and may not survive.
Will Seak Woo get his daughter to Busan? Is Busan still in existence? Large in scope, and sure to have the emotional among us shedding some tears, "Train to Busan" is an epic zombie film. Good luck finding it on YouTube with subtitles, as YouTube keeps removing it for copyright violations. For those of you proud parents who wish to transition your toddlers from "Thomas the Tank Engine" to hardcore horror....see this film.